2001


 

[TOP] dear katrina,

[part one]
remember that hope is as empty as fear,
lust is as great as love and
all that you wish shall eventually come to you...
the things you desire, the things you hope for,
the things you lust after, the things you cherished
and the things you will forever remember are
more prescious than you shall ever remember...
so praise you and live like you've loved all your life......

[part two]
only your memories are true
none shall be sad and none blue
only you can know love
not an angel, not a dove...
[TOP] just peachy

is this how you see me?
i am not strong.
i'm hiding from you.
why would you want to know my pains?
you can't heal them
you may try,
but i can't tell you what they are,
i can't tell you what's hidden in me,
i can't point my finger and say
"there. there lies my grief
and here is my pain
these are my wounds
make me whole again".
[TOP] unfinished

i'm now what i used to be
...tormented but, free
in this fucking reality.
no. i'm not unhappy.
well, not entirely.
[TOP] a prose of wonderment

in the thick, black, sweltering chamber all that was good i drown with tears that corrupt the purity i felt what seems i had ages ago. why am i cursed with such fallible things? all was laid before me, but i did not care to look. everything so plain and simple, so colourful and playful, yet i paid it no heed. was my drink poisoned or was my mind simply overloaded with thoughts of... by god what was i thinking?? i try to recall, but all is blurred. rather, i see what saw, but i don't understand what i thought. did i need too much of what i was offered without noticing whether i wanted it? and how many people have i hurt now... how much trust have i broken - how much more is waiting for me?

do i deserve what i have - do i have more than nothing? what is mine, really? to what may i cling to now all is in ruins? the shatterings of... of what? what had i built before i destroyed it? and now i lay within my mess; free but lost, _______ but merry-less.


[TOP] lady kathleen,

just confirming the safe arrival
of my invite to your gracious festival.
upon consulting my busy diary,
it seems december 1st is quite free.

considering all the facts herein
an appearance i shall make at the inn.
food - o joy! drink - o yes!
no doubt i will be your gayest guest!

i shall find another person to bring,
and also buy some splendid thing:
for an event as important as this
your night should reflect breathtaking bliss.

thus hence! hastily, i prepare
to arrange a carriage to take me there.
my dress to fit, my manners acute,
let us farewell your diminishing youth!
[TOP] the first

just admiring you
as you lie in sleep
dearly loving everything about you -
everything about you is beautiful
[TOP] the second

jovially believing that, maybe,
all we had was not a lie,
desperately searching, wanting
expressing, yearning love
[TOP] the third

just
another
damned
experience
[TOP]