1998


 

[TOP] undecided- hate/love

i am here in the darkness.
i can see you asleep with him.
you do not love me?
then do not proclaim it!
freak! i hate you!
who are you?
why do you not want me
when you know you do?
why are you playing
my games with your rules?
you are not fair,
yet you seem to be just.
you hate me, i know,
but i love you.
you are a monster of lust,
you could have told me lies.
i hate you!
come back to me,
you love me, remember?
i love you too.
[TOP] the definition of pathetic.

happy?
is that what i am meant to feel?
why? what are the benefits?
what if i am happy the way i am?
-depressed.
happiness is an invention
of the rich and beautiful.
happiness is not to be lucky.
happiness is doing what one wants.
i am happy to be sad.
wonderment and undecidedness
are the centre of my focus.
do you think to laugh is to be happy?
what if i tell you i love to cry?
what if my one pleasure is to
dwell on my own misfortunes?
i bloom in the intensity and am elated
with the depth of the pain bestowed unto me.
it is my business- so butt out.
this is my life.
i shall wreck it if i want to.
that will make me happy.
[TOP] overruled

i loved you, that is all i can say.
it is a shame, though,
that you are not gay.
what i heard from you
day after day,
was your persistent wish
for me to turn away.
it breaks my heart
but here you go,
your request solemnly granted:
you were a nice person to know.
[TOP] recollection

did i say you were better off?
did i say i felt more intensely?
did i say you were wrong?
did i say everyone was kind to you?
did i!?!?
do not mock me!
do not demean me,
do not brush off what i say.
i may seem trivial to you,
but inside myself i am monstrous.
you must be at the top, mustn't you?
no one is allowed to be like you,
to think like you,
to feel like you- are they?
so i am smaller, am i?
i am sorry, if you do not let me
climb to the top.
i am sorry, if i must be shallow
only so you will be deep.
i am sorry, if i have to be happy
so you can be unfortunate.
do not call me unfair,
do not call me a liar.
do not assume i have no feelings.
do not try to suppress my angst.
do not try to understand my pain.
do not try to understand me.
you have no idea how you treat me.
you tie me down, and tell me i am wrong.
you curse at me, for thinking like i do.
you slap me in the face.
you spit at my feet.
you call me dirt, worthless shit.
purge my soul? to you?
only for you to argue with me more?
only for you to bite my head off?
only for you to roll your eyes?
only for you to lose your respect for me?
is that what you want?
to feel larger? to be superior?
to seem fairer? more logical?
i shall not let you have the pleasure.
my thoughts are my own,
they are not to be shared, not with you.
you are not my god,
i shall not let you see me inside
-bitch-
i shall not let you destroy me.
[TOP] fight me, heal me, help me

i have to stop this,
am i really obsessed?
is it purely my fault
if i cannot love you less?
why must my feelings
always be suppressed?
and why am i forever
so damn fucking depressed?
i cannot seem to perform
at my absolute best,
yet even when i try
it all ends up a huge mess.
so what if they do not like
the way i decide to dress?
must i honestly change
so their minds may be at rest?
why am i compelled to place
myself after the guest?
do i always seem to be
a colossal masochist?
is that what people think?
that i am a 'hurt hobbyist'?
at times i think i should
put me at the top of my list,
but how do i do that,
how do i to myself submit?
will your highness help me,
if i try, at least?
will you keep assisting me,
to fight my inwardly beast?
will you not turn your back,
if my attempts seem to cease?
will you kindly bury me,
if i fail the test to please?
[TOP] daddy dear...

i think my daddy
knows i am gay
as he brought me home
a dam today.

before he knew
he advised me to put on
prior to intercourse
a latex condom.

he once taught me
all that he knows
but now he'll have to explain
how to do it with girls.

sometimes i think
daddy's the expert on sex
i wonder what secrets
i should tell him next!
[TOP] she*

now i have just realised
now i can see,
the truth really is-
she is too good for me.
not only her perfect body
not just her beautiful face,
but also her amazing mind
coupled with her elegant grace.
she understands all the things
that fly right over my head,
she discovers the simple solutions
that just leave me for dead.
she alone is why i am here-
the reason for my being,
if she were to die right now
my life would not mean a thing.
she asks what makes me happy
and i say "i do not know",
when all i am wishing day after day
is for her never to go.
i grant a "minor" technicality
is that she is not gay,
but i am just sitting and hoping-
maybe she will be one day.
[TOP] why dost thou clingeth to me?

i know i am just a sweltering pain
and there is absolutely nothing for me to gain
but can you not see, i am completely insane
so will you not tell me your name...
you know you have a beautiful face
and a body that i want to embrace
i want my eyes to follow your intricate grace
and i want to take your partner's place...
whom ever hurts you i need to bash
they are worth nothing - useless trash
the stupid pricks' faces i will smash
and their car's tyres i will slash...
surely you see how much i yearn
no, you do not at all show any concern
even though for you i would burn
it is only to you i wish i could turn...
i know you do not, in the slightest, love me
and my body you do not at all wish to see
but my soul will be happy, joyous and free
only if you give your consent to marry...
my only fear is your rejection
as i am very far from perfection
i do not even look at my own reflection
as the hideousness fills me with abomination...
maybe you want just to be my friend
and at nights me to my home you will send
oh can you not once the rules for me bend?
you know, gaiety is now the returned trend...
[TOP] happy birthday (a dedication to john)

dearest john
this poem is for you,
on your birthday
hope your wishes come true.

i love the talks
we have on the phone,
i love the company you are
when i go to your home.

your insights awe me,
in your depths i am bedazzled,
your ingenuity, too,
makes life less scrambled.

you are beautiful
that is one thing i hope you know,
over the years you will harness it
and allow that gift to grow.

you are so funky
and you believe in faeries,
that is just so awesome
may i be the one you marry?

of-course, you know,
you shall always be my friend
a great one, at that,
i know we will never end.
[TOP] ode to george...

i know someone called george
who is tall, and skinny as a stick,
some people think he is really sweet,
but i just think he is a dick...

sure we have had some
really great times together,
and to meet every other day
would be a really great pleasure...

but that time is now past
and no longer am i excited by him.
these days i prefer my friends
with a slightly different trim...
[TOP] recovery

my voice can not express
what my mind is trying to say;
i live in two worlds now,
but from one i run away.
in the other i wear a mask
to hide the thoughts of my reality.
and i even lie about the lies
conjured up by me. and in my frailty
i live, and in my strength
i cower, and behind my arras
rest my forbidden feelings-
no longer will you harass
me.

and no further will i carry
the burdens of my naivety;
i shall throw them down a deep hole
where there is a strong force of gravity.
they shall descend quickly
breaking savagely at the bottom,
resting there in the cold and damp
i shall never again see them.
and with the other forces of nature
i shall be helped to destroy
my own self and conscience-
that is my final decision- my ploy.
[TOP] la la la

what am i to do?
this feels like i am using you.
you feel so strongly
i am treating you so wrongly
- leading you on
but i love it when you touch me;
when you caress my hands,
when you tell me you love me.
yet i do not feel the same as you
- i cannot say "i love you too".
what am i to say
when i see you every day?
as it can be plainly seen
my grass is not always green,
- i am not perfect.
[TOP] ode to gorilla

this walking carpet
is an annoyance overload.
i am surprised, though,
god did not make him a toad.

an internal wish
as i sit from behind,
is to hit him vigorously
-or just make him blind.

i will tear every tissue
in his person (ugh- so grotty),
mutilate him so he can
not be identified by anybody.

from head to toe
i shall make him suffer,
beg, die, then go to hell
and live there for ever.

so down to his skull
i will, to the end, watch
as his hair disappears
because it i will torch.

up his nose i will shove
three hundred kilograms of cocaine.
promptly it will disintegrate.
oh goody! it shall make him insane!

his brain i will cut
into a million pieces.
prep them, marinate them, fry them
and feed them to my nieces.

into his mouth shall be stuck
twenty eight sticks of dynamite.
with no lips, teeth or tongue
no longer will be able to bite...

...or kiss! - ha! as a matter of fact
he will not have a head at all!
i can see right now
his mummy will be enthralled!

from his (cringe) 'manly' chest
i will cut leathery stars,
then place them on a highway
to be run over by cars.

of food and water i shall deprive him
and wait for his stomach to bloat,
then fill it with concrete
and see how he does not float.

sever off his arms
and roast them on a grill.
oooooo! and gut him-
which will give me great thrill!

his belly button will feel pain
as into it i will thrust a knife
and twist it around
and stab him in spite.

poke out his testes
with a short blunt stick.
find some false teeth
and bite off his dick.

crush his leg bones
and slash his knees,
then watch contentedly over him
as to his death he bleeds.

pour acid on his feet
'till they burn and rot away.
i grant this shall be done
all within one day.

i doubt it not,
this will somewhat create a mess
but worry you not,
i will mop it up with his dress.

that gorilla is an arrogant bastard
it is true, he loves himself so.
and after all that torture
i'll finish him off with a hoe.

if this seems a little violent
and of my ways you are scared,
you will be convinced otherwise
if i tell you with himself he 'plays'.

but this is enough i guess
i will have to bury him- but how?
coffin? cremation? buried at sea?
eh, does anyone give a fuck now?
[TOP] human worth

what should i do now?
change how i feel.
tighten the reel.
drown a seal.
kill a teal.
eat a fattening meal.
the skin off onions peel.
lie while i kneel.
a hole in concrete drill.
poison jack and jill.
give a rapist his thrill.
and not even take the pill.
for the world do absolutely nil.
knock my flowers off their sill.
sabotage someone else's will.
sit in silence be completely still.
write this poem with a quill.
what else but fall off a hill.
[TOP] liar - unforgiven

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
fuck!!
i have lost!
i am a bad girl.
broken tradition.
pull out, pull out!
close the hatch behind you.
-take care of that pink rabbit,
and the yellow flowers,
nothing can harm you-
lock it from outside.
nuke all that is inside.
why should i to rules abide?
why trust you? you lied.
-nice green tree. tee hee.
and the peace of the ocean-
trapped you are,
in that little box.
tough luck, you old bastard.
-there goes a car.
i wish you were the driver,
i hope you crash-
there is a nice girl there.
used to be me,
but now i am conformed,
-and that cute little bunny
can no longer salvage my remains-
liquid to society.
fed on your imagination.
go away.
[TOP] bored

hello.
i am bored
and now i am making you bored too.
you just gotta love that about me
but hey, there's nothing else to love
so you may as well.
i am just sitting here in my room
listening to vivaldi,
writing these crappy poems
for suckers like you to read
thinking this is some sort of
deep
or meaningful
or revealing
piece of artwork - or something.
you fool, it is only what i think.
what does anyone care anyway?
why do i bother?
i often ask myself the same question.
you do? oh, often, you say?
yes, quite. it really is idiotic, but eh.
oh well, nice to know you.
that is something new.
and what will you do? you don't have a clue?
why, i'll just kill you.
[TOP] again and again and

why did you come here?!
you do not want to be here!
you hate me, remember?!
have you come here to beg?
for my forgiveness?!
for my love?!
my sexuality?!
you do not love me!!
get out! do not stay!
go! go before i hurt you!
before i make you go!
before it becomes eternal!
do not tease me
i am not patient!
i am not playful,
not with you!!
you did not want me!!
you killed me!
you hacked my heart!!
go! go i tell you!
let me be tempted
no more!!
i swear you shall
meet fire and brimstone!
leave me alone!
go home!
please, just go home.
do not make me
bring harm to you.
please, just go home.
just leave me alone.
go home.
please. go home.
[TOP] what it means

can't stop thinking
can't stop thinking about you.
the beauty, your hair, your hips, your breasts
the softness, your voice, your touch, your skin
the irresistibility, my god, it drives me mad.
you drive me mad
insane - maniac
feeling immense lust, and even love.
unable to stop wanting you
lusting after you, your mind, your body
shivering with delight
at thoughts of you, remembering
lingering on thoughts
beautiful moments, hoping for sequels.
like a virus overtaking me
controlling my mind, commanding my body
this love spreads
mmmmmmmmm....
can't stop thinking
can't stop thinking about you.
thinking i love you.
[TOP] void without you

blown from my lair,
flying through the air,
with no more love to spare-
we, no longer a pair.
i am feeling rather bare
feeling this world is so unfair.
no more do you care.
fumbling with thoughts
that i can no longer share,
battling with emotional swords;
abuse in my ear you blare.
something we could always compare;
our love for one another-
was and is ever more
oh so en contraire-
oh so fallen down the stair,
and then, blown from my lair.
[TOP] left breathless

as i peer upon you face
and gaze into your eyes - a green hue,
i am encountered with your perfect grace,
and i laze, and i wait for you.

i wait to hear you speak,
and i wait for you to laugh,
i also wait to receive a peek
at the beauty of you that i love.

for i have come to know
your shape - this and that curve -
and i will applaud you
as it is praise that you deserve.
[TOP] reciprocation

how can i dump you?
how can i set you free?
losing you will only be the end of me.

i never meant to hurt you,
never meant to scare you away.
won't you forgive me - won't you let me stay?

with the fearful expanse
of my intense and lonely heart
i would die if ever we were to be kept apart.

i want to hold you,
i want to keep you here.
to live a life void of you is my greatest fear.

i want you to know
i only ever loved you.
please, won't you just say "i love you too"?
[TOP] why say that?

how do i get over you
when you're everything i want-
how do i subside the pain?
why on earth would i leave you
when you're everything i've got-
you drive me insane
i love you so very much-
you're everything i ever see,
but what will i gain?
why am i so insecure when i know
that you're everything i need-
is this just another game?
[TOP] maree

maree suits you,
and do not blush,
i speak the truth.
and if you may,
and if you let,
allow your lover
whisper it to you.
[TOP] importance

poems need not have rhyme
as mountains need not be climbed
as life need not be timed
and wildness not be tamed
a good footpath again paved
and cleanliness bathed
and the buried need not another grave
and raging oceans another wave
this world need not another knave
and the safe need not be saved
nor my love for you again engraved
- or this verse to end, not as it began.
[TOP] the honey, or the rose?

which is better,
the sweet, or the beautiful?
which should i choose
upon having the choice?
i find them equally attractive,
yet i am told to disregard
one for the other.
sweetness may become bitter
and i shall not desire it hither.
yet beauty will dissolve,
grow ugly and grow old.
from which will i benefit most?
which will make me happier?
tell me when you know -
oh won't you slip me the answer?
won't you tell me which is better?
for i do not know.
[TOP] promise me...

have you ever cared,
or was it all pretend?
will we always share the love
that no-one really began?
will there ever be bliss,
was i ever anything special?
was i just a one night stand
did you want me to be careful?
did you say you loved me
because it was what you felt?
or was i just another game-
another notch on your belt?
did you ever know
how much it really hurt?
or were you oblivious to me-
am i worth even less than dirt?
why am i sitting alone
in this back corner now?
why have you turned your back-
why let me drown?
you threw in the life line too late
when i was already at the bottom,
and then you pulled me out to love me
but i had already gone rotten.
my hair was wet, skin cold
and my heart had stopped,
but of course you loved me
and so your spirits dropped.
now i am dead and gone
and you are alone,
sitting in my back corner-
the place you now call home.
wishing you had loved me
while i was still here
wishing you had the chance
just to say "i love you, my dear".
but i will forgive you
for your dreadful deed
just as long as you promise me,
it will only ever be me you need.
[TOP] contradiction

i still touch you
though you are not here,
i still smell you
though you are not near.
i still love you -
and i see you everywhere,
even now, sitting
in that empty chair.
yet you always
leave me bare
and so damn frustrated
i pull out all my hair.
but i have lied to you-
because of despair-
because i care.
i told you
you did not hurt me
but that is just unfair-
for every time i see you
i feel the pain
that nothing can prepare
me for.
you said you cared
you said you loved
but you shake your head now
and say you were drunk.
well let me tell you
what i see-
the more drunk you are
the more truth you tell to me.
but, of course,
i am always wrong
and always too severe-
and for that
i hate myself
and so i shed my tears.
[TOP] _ _ _ _

such a beautiful name
for such a beautiful face -
such a beautiful body
encasing such perfect grace.
why would i want to leave you
when i love you so much?
when i lust for your kindness,
your warmth and your touch?
why would i hurt you -
or scare you away?
you are the only one left
that keeps my insanity at bay.
[TOP] still

as i sit here in the sun
thinking of you
i ponder what to say
and ponder what to do.
i thought i was over
you - who i fell in love with,
but inside my heart i see
i only created that myth.
it seemed so senseless
to continue my love for you
to say how i felt,
how i dove for you
how i admired you strengths
and even your weaknesses
and even your foul moods
and bad attitudes.
and though you never loved me
(i knew, i could see)
you sort of did need me.
in other ways
on other days
for other reasons
and different seasons.
i can accept that -
i hope you know.
but i still love you.
[TOP] purity

lots of leaves
on flowers and trees -
and the ground.
lots of birds
and love words.
and the serenity
and the peace
my sanction - my release.
a place for my soul
to grow wiser and old -
and understand me
in my insecurity
hearing my desperate plea
of what i want to be
for what it is i see
and all it is i need.
i burn my creed
and start over
hoping for better,
to be smarter -
to be loved.
and up from above
fall the raindrops
of purity.
where they come from -
who knows?
they are here
with a bucket of tears
to share with me
to feel pleased
to feel at ease.
[TOP] letters

yours was very short
and so will be mine,
not because i know not what to say
but because i have not the time.
just remind me
so i do not forget,
that i owe you a longer letter -
but this one, you will have to let.
to say anything with sense
is too late for that tonight,
so off to bed i will go
and later will i try to write.
thankyou for reading
this short, short prose,
and at that note
this shortness will have to close.
[TOP] you

when we are alone
and lulled into peace
we share a sacred moment
of joy and security
and even though
you do not love me
i still feel you
appreciate me
i still recognise
your need for me
i still enjoy
the friendly love
you give to me
the warmth
and prosperity
i know you love me
in your own little ways
i hope for all time
that is the way it stays
[TOP] the hidden pain

i do not want to harm you
do you not know how i feel?
if i'm so close, but can't touch you
how do i know you are real?
you are too perfect,
too beautiful for me
yet without you in my life
i am only a barren tree-
so tall, yet with no cover,
so strong, yet so insecure,
the emptiness in side me
makes me feel so impure.
i wish i were
exactly what you wanted
but i know, for you,
i am simply too faltered.
i wish you could help me
make you love me more,
but i know that is impossible
that is why i am so sore.
[TOP] betrayed

have you forgotten all you've said?
all the happiness that filled my head?
have you forgotten your plea to me?
for us to be friends? to be happy?
was my one inconsiderate action
just your excuse
to let me loose? to tighten my noose?
to let our friendship die?
and leave me wondering why?
we were great friends - you said so yourself
and so i don't understand -
why had you hung me over the cliff?
and let go of my hand?
here and there, we had a clash,
and now you throw my letters away,
and now you see me as trash.
am i too mediocre for you?
for your queenly state?
why can't you forgive me?
it can't be too late... or is it?
have you lost your mind?
forgotten how to be kind?
can you your love no longer find?
i had not read the contract i signed.
i didn't know what to expect,
i don't know what to regret.
i don't know how this can be solved.
how can i? i know not what is involved.
you've hit me back - tenfold.
how could you have turned so cold?
you used to be honest and true,
but now look at you -
cowering in silence,
a wall of nothingness.
no voice, no vision, no violence.
so much time has passed
and i still do not know
what you think, what you feel -
those things you no longer show.
do i even exist? do you know i'm here?
do you give a fuck? do you care?
i feel you are so unfair,
as your steel eyes at me glare,
and your mouth no longer smiles,
but sneers.
sometimes you pretend
i'm another face in the crowd.
after all we've been through,
is that all i am worth to you now?
you've forgotten your vow.
do you have no more trust in me?
i made a mistake, i have seen.
more considerate i wish i'd been.
but why, really, have we broken apart?
can we not anew and refreshed start?
your blasť attitude has hurt my heart,
like the bullseye is hit with the dart.
what is wrong with what we had?
surely, it could not have been all that bad.
[TOP] existential angst

i need to get out of this hole i dug.
i need to get high, but i can't fly.
there is nothing, no hope in sight -
no bright light.
not tonight, as i shiver here, numb,
no bucket to save unfallen tears.
lots of complaints, lots of fears.
what good have i done after all these years?
disappointment
always lingers above my head.
disappointment
making me wish, wish,
wish i was dead instead of living with the hatred.
i don't want to get out of bed.
there is nothing i can accomplish today.
all my intelligence has just flown away.
the sky is still grey, and
there is nothing, no more for me.
nothing i can say.
[TOP] antiqueen of hearts

i've lost my dream
i've lost my home
i am no more
i've given up my throne
i know not why
but i've been deceived
as from my life i've
been suddenly cleaved
i've lost my mind
i've lost my heart
i am no more
we now live apart
i know not why
but i've been deceived
as in my life
only love did i ever need
you saw me and
you pulled me out
you healed my wounds and
you stayed about
you found my dream
you gave me a home
i am once again
i am no more alone
i know not why
but i've been deceived
as it happened again
and i had not survived
you left me once more
you took my dream and home
i am no more
i've cried because you'd gone
[TOP] hmm, kinky

love the sugars...
love the sweets...
come on baby,
give me a treat...
[TOP] ode to the microwave

oh, microwave
which feeds me well
by reheating most of
last night's swill...
it saves so much time
from proper cooking
but needs lots of leftovers
and inter-fridge searching...
mmm... swill...
and joy to the button
that automatically sets
heating for one minute
-an additional option no one regrets...
i'd add something here
but it wouldn't make much sense
as i can't write poetry for shit -
now proven 'cause this verse doesn't rhyme.

i am hypnotised
by the wondrous turntable
that makes heating the whole
lot of food quite able.
oh, microwave
which feeds me well,
that burns with heat
known well in hell...
it's quick and easy
and requires little skill
just remember you're up
for a hefty electricity bill...


with funky input from kathleen

[TOP] surreal

why is it that you only exist
in my mind?
are you my creation?
one of a kind?
are you really as beautiful
as you seem to me?
being exquisite
is what i know you to be.
i'd love to taste you
just one last time,
and know that,
for a little while - at least,
you are only mine.
[TOP] wish upon my star

oh sweet angel, oh bright light -
why can't i see you tonight?
where is your star in my dark sky -
have you already said goodbye?
you have deceived, i have been fooled -
why have you appointed me overruled?
do i have no say, no word, no thought?
such negativity you have brought.
oh sweet angel, oh bright light -
must you always be right?
where is your star in my dark sky -
must i too say goodbye?
[TOP] pixie with no wings

bound by the chains
i have no more to gain
my hope has been drained
my soul has been slain
no grey matter in the brain
and death i cannot feign
'cause it doesn't relieve the pain
this is an unfair game
and in it i am lame
always the same
never in fame
never through fear
nothing i see here
but the end is near
through this window i peer
and see people sneer
away from me they veer
away from my thoughts
from the pleasantries
that were never there
at which they can't stare
that they can't call unfair
so abuse they can't blare
'cause i am no longer there
'cause i wished myself away
i wished this to be my day
my day of sacrifice
i prayed to you thrice
but it's like rolling dice
you never were nice
never sugar and spice
in the expanse of love
you never sent out the dove
to find my land.
you never gave me your hand.
[TOP] missing you

bind me
tie me
gag me
what else is new
sneer at me
lie to me
betray me
i'm missing you
why did you love me
leave me
kill me
you never were true
you never were you
you and i are thru
i'm missing you.
[TOP] god is everywhere, my dear

you never were who i wanted,
if this is what you are,
you did not fulfill my needs.
you had not loved me like you claimed
and you still left me.
i grant i had wronged you
and i know you must trust me not
but may i remind
you had done far worse by me in the past -
or have you conveniently forgot?
i had made nothing of it
as i saw nothing could be done.
i let you be; you were worth more to me.
i thought our friendship was stronger
than the need for perfection,
than the need for an all year summer.
remember, dear, all sunshine creates a desert.
i thought we would prevail.
how foolish of me
that i could not see
death had beseeched thee.
but i must blame myself not,
for how could i have known you seek not man,
but a god.
[TOP] do i love you?

no, of course i do not.
you are many people in one,
yet still not worth a lot.
still a whole lot of grot,
still a ball of snot, still only a tot,
who can only smoke pot,
and loves me not,
and has promises forgot,
smaller than a dot.
i hope you rot,
and then ask what
had you done to me -
nothing - yet you are not innocent.
i just like to play devil,
and to create your hell.
what you did... i shall never tell.
[TOP] haunting, hunting, hanging.

so you don't believe,
is that something new?
since when had you thought
that i ever liked you?
you are a whore - unworthy of me
and also a bore - too simple for my complexity.
you are not the epitome of perfection
as you have claimed to be before.
you tried to destroy me,
but i had not bled, i had no wounds,
you hadn't sharpened your claws.
your words mean nothing.
your silence - even less.
too bad for you
if you cannot see what is best.
you pound your fist in my chest,
that tickles, little girl.
you should have brought a gun,
and then apologies to me sung -
and then shot yourself
as no forgiveness will be dealt
to a low-life like you,
who cannot see the truth,
who is too much a youth
to know who i am - to see what is grand
to know where you stand - you are too bland,
smaller than my hand,
smaller than a grain of sand,
not worth my worry, nor any glory
you are only an untold story
of betrayal and treachery.
from you i set myself free.
please, have some dignity - don't leave me.
[TOP] i can't remember

you are more silent
than i have ever known you to be.
why won't you talk, what is so wrong with me?
how much longer must i endure your seclusion?
are you still so mad or are you putting on an illusion?
you cannot still be punishing me
for what i had done - so long ago
i do not know if i like or despise you -
to and fro, to and fro, to and fro...
i am not the only inconsiderate one around,
betrayal in you, too, has previously been found.
there is something fucked up in your head
something that i fear i dread,
that has me wounded and left me for dead,
how can you punish me with the absence of sound?
you are being unfair, as i have once before said,
and you are being arrogant
and on hurtful ground you tread.
you do leave me for dead
to be eaten by the buzzards
pecked at the flesh
eaten raw eaten like bait
because you couldn't wait -
you chose the wrong fate.
[TOP] resentment

resentment? of course i show resentment.
i resent having met you
and for falling in love with you
and for all the hurt you put me thru
and then for you leaving me with no clue
how i managed to anger you,
how i did so much to wrong you -
so much wrong i'm given the silent treatment.
of course i show resentment.
[TOP] what to do

what will i do with my life
it's not enuf to have a wife
it's not good to fall into strife
i should not commit suicide
even though i have no knife
i should run far away
as i feel too much fright
and no love no lust tonight
why are you always right?
but i need to pick a fight
just to see if you are right,
just to know i'll be all right
even if i die tonight
even if i don't see the light
even though i'm tightly
bound in the confines
of solitude - a prelude
of what has been,
but i had not seen
i am not clean
is this a dream?
or is it real?
how does it seem?
how do you feel?
i have no clue - i have no glue
i have no life - i have no wife
i'm in no strife - but i have a knife...
[TOP] losing you

don't know what to do
i am losing you.
don't want you to go
only to wave hello
not goodbye
oh, will you not tell me why
i am losing you...
[TOP] diary of a bored pessimist

saturday dreamt of a chair sunday woke up at the crack of evening stared at a wall monday did nothing tuesday continued to do nothing wednesday after a while nothing continued to happen thursday released all my excreta friday read half a book about an american psycho serial killer saturday went to a cancelled dance practise sunday continued the sunday ritual of staring at the wall monday touched the wall tuesday wall sued me for sexual harassment wednesday signed divorce papers with the wall thursday stared at the cupboard friday removed a black shirt from the cupboard saturday cupboard sued me for invasion of privacy sunday signed a restraining order from the cupboard monday got up at late afternoon and did nothing then went back to bed at early evening tuesday dreamt of the chair again wednesday gave the wall a new personality and named it george thursday had a recurring dream of the chair friday sat in a chair and stared into a mirror saturday did nothing sunday smashed the mirror with evil thoughts octaday invented a new day to have more time in which to dwell in my misfortunes or lack there of nonaday trapped in some weird psychological dance of the evil spirit harius monday wrote a poem about harius and a two day non-existent adventure of torture tuesday did nothing again wednesday had so much fun yesterday i decided to do nothing today too thursday died of boredom friday buried myself in nonaday
[TOP] the depths

why did you laugh?
and pretend to be happy
when you were not?
why speak now, after
all that silence, after
all the hiding and secrecy?
how can you be so confident
when you are so insecure?
why feign tragedy when your life is so pure?
who do you seek,
who is your perfect mate?
can there be anyone out there
who will live up to the standards you have set?
is there anything that would really make you happy?
that would suffice to your immense needs?
who are you, anyway,
to think you will get what you want?
who are you, anyway,
that has the power to destroy me?
who are you, anyway?
you are in my mind and part of my body
you are my soul yet you never tell me
which way is best in which go.
you don't take notice of me
and you don't care when i bleed.
why are you doing this when you know me better?
when you know me better than to do this?
[TOP] now,

'round and 'round
not up but down
and falling, i found, i hit the ground
and with no sound, no heartbeat pounds
a lifeless clown wearing queen's gowns -
and only frowns
in despair i drown.
'round and 'round
not up but down
[TOP] the end

'twas not the pressure nor the institution.
'twas not my family, my friends, nor you.
i wanted to go up and up and higher.
i wanted to rise and see what was above;
this thing called love,
but i did not find it
and i went 'round and 'round and 'round
in the circle that is life, no love ever to be found.
so in a desperate spiral of loss and violence
i hit the ground,
and there was no sound of my flesh against ground.
what was it i found?
not you, nor them, not me - never again,
only immense pain, hurt i should not have felt,
hurt that no one had the authority to have dealt,
but 'twas death i smelt, and death i saw,
and in that death i found i wanted more.
more of my lifeless dreams and lifeless
hope and lifeless fire and lifeless smoke.
leave me alone, i need not you.
you cannot provide all i want to hide.
what i steal inside is just a waste of time.
whatever is mine cannot be sublime,
when i feel the end that my destiny would send.
the end, the end, the end...
[TOP] i keep telling myself;

"i am over you.
i am over you.
i am over you.
i am over you.
i am over you.
i'm over you.
i'm over you.
i'm over you.
over you.
over you.
you. you.
never really loved you.
never really liked you.
never.
i am over you.
over you.
so over you."
but it never seems to take effect.
i never could listen to what i said.
never trusted my mind,
you always were too kind.
[TOP] sad and sorry

don't hate you. never had.
but i've always made things turn bad.
i'm so sorry, and it makes me sad,
that a good friendship is what we never had.
but i bet now you're glad
and you say "good riddance, you fat, ugly hag"
well, i guess it's in the bag,
and i apologise for making you gag.
i know i was not what you wished of me
and that i never ever made you happy;
and that my conversations were always so crappy.
sometimes you were a bitch,
but you will always be beautiful,
and i will always love you.
[TOP] to part for good

don't know if it's time to say good bye
don't want to leave you tonight
why is my love such a crime
don't want to have to decide
if i can cope without you this time
[TOP] welcome to the machine

"...i hate answering machines
and i hope you do too,
so leave a message if it's really important,
but, you know, you don't have to..."
[TOP] bye bye

no need to fear me,
just because i hold this gun -
it is not for you.
no need to find the truth,
no need any more.
and what for? what good will it do?
none; not now.
time's run out.
i never did doubt life would leave me,
tear me to shreds;
that time wouldn't heal the wounds i bled.
i could never have survived on the lies i was fed;
everything you said - buried in my head.
i have not forgotten, just lost.
and where am i meant to be?
and why can't i see? and what am i worth now?
and why point my gun at me;
have i bored you so?
why let me go?
you were the only one i didn't know.
[TOP] michelle

only the trees and only the breeze,
only the birds and even the bees.
you are so pure -
you're my soul's only cure,
you are so beautiful
and so wonderfully perfect.
you are the quintessential part
of this world.
[TOP] i wanted more before

and i want more now,
but you always seem to be just out of my reach.
whether i want you as a lover or as a friend
you never give me the chance to show you -
it can be done.
the more i want, the less you give,
maybe if i stop then you will live.
but i cannot take that risk,
i cannot let you go i cannot hope you will still be here
i just do not know.
even so - are you even there? can you see my despair?
for relationships i have no flair, and you're just unfair.
why do you keep your distance
from whatever it is i need?
why not let me plead?
can't we plant the seed,
and can't i show you how it grows?
no one ever knows how it will be,
no one has ever known,
how much i [used to] love thee.
[TOP] jealousy

so what if we fought.
you fight with him,
so why can he still see you?
you argue with him more than we ever did,
yet you still talk to him.
i had done nothing wrong.
i had not dishonoured you.
what they say is not true,
and what they think should not matter to you.
why does he get to be friends with you?
[TOP] paddling in circles

why is it, that i still need you?
why does it hurt so much?
i love you no longer, so why does it hurt so much?
how can it be that you're perfect for me,
but i am nothing to you?
y'know, it just hurts so much.
why can i not clutch in my weak hands and mind
what it is you need? i don't know what to find.
and love cannot be defined.
i love you no longer,
yet i love your perfumes,
and i love your stars;
i love you.
but i can't, i can't decide to forget you, like i need to -
just to survive.
you were never mine, you never had the time.
why does that hurt me?
why do i grieve you do not see me?
why are you so blasŤ?
why didn't you look at me today?
why let me stray so far?
why not warn me you would leave?
why not tell me you hated this?
maybe you did... and maybe i can't...
so, is that why we aren't.... ?
[TOP] turning away

sometimes i can't get around all that flat ground
as you walk away from me, making me unhappy.
you do not turn to look behind you as if you're afraid,
afraid that maybe you will see that you love me.
and did you ever love me? or was i just dreaming?
every time i look around to you, you are
disappearing.
what if i were to run after you, after all i ever loved?
or has this fate of mine been set from above?
would you even know i had returned to you,
to seek the truth in your eyes, and hope for you to see
that maybe you do still love me?
[TOP] now you have gone

there is so much that reminds me of you
even though you had never given me a thing.
so much that shows me you loved me
even though you will never speak to me again.
so much which proves you liked me
despite me driving you insane.
so much so, that you hated me, despised me;
i was never enuf, never good enuf for thee.
and i feel the insanity of the feeling of impurity -
the disappointment and betrayal.
i'm the boat without a sail
the bird with no tail
a human face, but pale.
and where had my blood drained to?
and whom shall i love now?
and who will love me again?
only, without all that pain?
there is nothing for me to gain here,
nothing that will keep me sane any more,
as i mop my blood off the dirty floor
...so that's where it went.
[TOP] blah, blah, blah...

blah, blah, blah,
fuck, fuck, fuck,
screw all this
i am very calm
because once anger and fear reach infinity
they become so insignificant it leaves nothing behind;
another thing i won't find... nay
don't want to find
don't want to fly
just want to die
(it rhymed)...
but still held the truth
you don't have to be a sleuth to know i'm in my youth
too young to dream, too young to try,
too young to be wondering why.
never understanding the meaning of "goodbye".
and i don't look up at the sky
- i already know it is falling.
but i don't hear you calling,
so i stay here in this dark hole
and i can't find my soul
because i lost it somewhere - over there -
near your feet.
[TOP] [no title]

so how's your life?
we never said goodbye.
[TOP] why did i just not say 'no'?

i do i do wish i never never met her.
she caused me pain and mixed it with desire.
she beat me down and set my lust afire.
she ran me in circles and caused me to tire.
like a cat, she would purr.
she would want and so i gave.
she received pleasure
yet would the path of death for me pave.
she knew how to destroy me
with the force of a tidal wave.
she made me fall in love with her.
[TOP] punished

i would kill her, if only it could ease my pain
but it will all just only stay the same
'cause she never loved me, didn't even like me.
despised me, cursed at me, wished me away.
tried to mould me like clay, but didn't let me stay.
she feigned her desire for me and made me believe,
and i was fooled, i was made a puppet to her needs.
she would say 'fuck me', and i would reply 'with glee'
was i so stupid not to see she was making fun of me?
not to see she hated all that came from me?
and was that the reason she had set me free...
[TOP] not enuf speed

don't want to study, yet don't want to flunk
i have already learnt too much junk.
so now i listen to punk
just to fill my days with a bit of fun,
with a little son - i could go far
and i'll never again say "star" 'cause it hurts too much
to know i couldn't clutch what was important to me,
to make me see what it is i need
- i want to bleed.
plant a seed and kill the tree,
drain the sap, the life of me.
[TOP] made ya look

now just making you bored.
my soul once soared,
then i met this... whore.
she taught me about pain
and of life and gain.
and she showed me how to be sane
and to use my brain
and then she went away
and my intelligence didn't stay
and no one wanted to play
my death game with me today.
[TOP] [no title] [part two]

no, you are right,
we never said goodbye...
....farewell, my love.
[TOP] if only

if only i could write with passion and with flair,
maybe i'd crawl out of my despair.
if only people would listen to me
maybe i'd be able to treasure thee.
if only i knew what to say, that they may want to hear
maybe they would not turn away.
if only i knew what to express, and what to save,
maybe i would not stay to myself a slave.
maybe i would rise above the hate
and maybe i would float above the clouds
and maybe i'd find love where it had not been found.
and maybe the pixies would help me search
and maybe the gods would provide
and maybe i could learn and decide
what it is that has kept me alive.
i would look in the trees, in the lakes,
i would search until i'd find something to take.
and then i might accept your hate.
submit to my ill grown fate.
if only i could - but it's just too late.
[TOP] once beseeched by her

you never could see what i wanted
what were the things i sought.
you never cared. at all. you lied.
i have nothing of yours,
only the things you threw back at me.
things i thought you would treasure - forever.
i guess not.
did you ever even like me? even slightly?
i have nothing of yours,
only the words with which you hurt me.
words i thought you'd reserve for someone else.
i guess not.
did you even ever consider my emotional frailty?
i have nothing of yours,
only the swords with which you stabbed me.
swords i thought you'd only keep away, on display.
i guess not.
did you even ever see how much you had killed me?
[TOP] just you try

wait! where did you go?
were you not just here, right in front of me?
right where i could see?
was your arm not just encircling me?
and were you not just laughing with glee?
how, then, did you flee without me seeing thee?
where have you run to, where do you reside?
i will search for you inside - right here - in my mind.
i will discover the shell in which you dwell
and i will tear you away.
i will straighten your lies and reglue severed ties
and all the hate between us i will slay.
i am not yet calling it a day,
you will never fly far enuf to keep my insanity at bay.
i will think of you everyday, torture you mentally,
and corrupt your pure thoughts- destroy you that way.
you will pay for all the pain you bestowed unto me.
[TOP] fairly warned be thee, says i.

a sense of peace and a sense of place
no fucking calmness inside my face.
no idea where i'm at
no affection to trace - just an un-won race.
don't you see you're killing me?
but you're blind - why didn't i know that?
i knew you hated the word 'pussy' -
"poor puddy, poor puddy tat".
what is it you want me to do, then?
all i can think to do is to choke and bury you;
to put you at rest so you won't suffer my test.
or am i thinking of me?
what is it i'm missing? what the fuck do i need?
and why must i bleed; i'm staining your carpet.
don't worry, i'll get it out - but not 'fore i spit on it too
'cause all i know is i don't need you.
i know you're not the key
for all the locked up love within my frail heart
that is impossible to tear apart.
i ought to throw you into the sea
and watch you scream your pleas
and watch your desperate frown
'cause you haven't learnt to swim,
you only know how to drown.
say i was right - and i'll set you free.
i'll let you live and i'll let you go.
just remember that i still despise you so.
[TOP] this is not a threat...

...yet, i will fucking torture you with all the means,
let you suffer my tests of endurance....
let water drop, drop, drop on your forehead,
rape you and leave you to bleed your bed red,
smash your face over pane glass,
buy a million razors and slash your arse,
stick electrodes far up your smelly cunt,
make your leg a short and bleeding stump,
chisel into your head and pull your brain out,
tear off your jaw and cut off your tongue
so no one will hear as you scream and shout.
i will practise my knife throwing on you,
place you on a plane with too little fuel,
give you no food and see you starve,
tie you down then watch you drown in an acid bath.
i shall let you suffocate beneath my weight,
acquire an un-sterile knife to slay and decapitate,
cold as it is, split you heart in two
dump salt and pour vinegar on your wounds.
run you over with a mower and let the petrol leak,
then set you afire until you burn and melt away.
i'll open your stomach to let the juices reek,
inject your veins with all sorts of poisonous stains.
spoon out your guts to feed to chicks in their pens,
throw you amongst the lions in their dens,
then push you off a cliff, kill you and tear you to bits.
or, i could leave all these painless methods aside
and truly make your soul cry;
i could make you live and suffer eternally
by returning to you all the hurt you gave to me.
[TOP] what it means [the first amendment]

can't stop thinking
can't stop thinking about you.
the coldness, your attitude, your mind
the emptiness, your name, your heart
the irritability, my god, it drives me mad.
you drive me mad
insane - maniac
feeling immensely lost, and even dead.
unable to fathom you
searching for you, your mind, your body
shivering with loneliness
at thoughts of you, remembering
lingering on thoughts
those awful moments are like nightmares.
like a virus overtaking me
controlling my mind, commanding my body
this fear spreads
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
can't stop thinking
can't stop thinking about you.
thinking i...... i still love you.
[TOP] she*[the second amendment]

now i have just realised
now i can see,
the truth really is-
she is too cruel for me.
not only her threatening body
not just her evil face,
but also her corrupted mind
coupled with her jagged grace.
she undertakes all the things
that are too immoral in my head,
she discovers the simple solutions
that poison me and leave me for dead.
she alone is why i am here-
suffering immensely like this,
if she were to die right now
the world would feel absolute bliss.
she used to ask me questions
and i used to say "i do not know",
when all i was wishing day after day
was for her love to show.
i grant a "minor" technicality
is that she is not nice in any way,
but i am just sitting and hoping-
maybe she will be one day.
[TOP] nothing gets better

you could never really fly high;
you failed because you wouldn't try
and you would not say why,
why you always made me cry
because you failed to see
all the hurt you sent to me
that made me want to flee
to get far, far, far away from thee.
if everything were different
everything would be better.
[TOP] speaking to those who aren't there

you cannot fathom the pain you put me thru -
that has sprung from memories - reminders of you.
the little things, the great things - all the things
that show me it is you.
your ghost is ruining me.
you haunt me every day, every night.
do you do this to gloat? do you do it for spite?
every moment is full of pure torture,
as i can feel you, see you, but cannot touch you.
i can hear you, your silence becomes deafening,
but i can't speak to you to tell you what i'm thinking.
and you cannot fathom the pain you put me thru.
would you even worry for me if i were to cry?
would you even care if i were to die?
had you always been lying to me
when you used to say you needed me?
are you lying now? saying you will not see me?
saying you do not want to know me?
but you do not realise what you are doing to me.
if only you knew, if only you could see....
maybe then you would turn my despair to glee.
but then, what are the chances you would bother,
bother to repair my damaged and dusty soul?
would you even try?
[TOP] it's not that you don't love me

all i ever do is sigh.
will you not ask me why?
oh well then, goodbye,
i know you're only dropping by -
and you won't even try.

and all you did was lie.
won't you look me in the eye?
oh well then, goodbye,
i know you're too high -
so you won't even try.

it's late, and it's time to fly.
is this how i will die?
oh well then, goodbye,
i know you're not going to cry -
but you won't even try.
[TOP] samsara

i want a box so i can fit inside,
somewhere to run to, somewhere to hide.
i want to scream without being heard,
i want to dream so my soul may purge.
this life i will rid of everything impure;
the lies, the deception, the corruptness of your.
i will let despair run and release all my tears,
i will drown with the salt, and die with my fears.
like the earth i shall shake till the walls come down,
and experience a rebirth as evil hath me unbound.
out of the ruins and out of my skin,
no longer cursed by the genesis sin.
i am no longer here, i do not exist;
only in your mind, dear, and now only in bliss.
[TOP] ...and the dream is gone.

i want to write and i want to sing,
but i am only a vile little wretched thing.
no one wants to hear my thoughts
nor read the words i write
nor give the love i have so painfully sought,
but i will see even after i lose my sight;
that there is no damn point to fight
and to kill me you have no right
but you've done it anyhow, and without a care
that all you have done has left me bare.
and you were never there once you had gone again.
[TOP] simply not enough

what is it that you see?
what do you think i could be?
what will come of me?

why am i the only one i see?
why did i think i could ever be?
what has become of me?
[TOP] forest of the night

going for a walk, flying with the breeze,
crying over thoughts and memories.
waiting for the fall of darkness,
becoming lost in the trees.
have you ever experienced such purity?
have you ever seen the beauty of the night?
the shadows of trees sweep the stars
and twigs break under your feet
as you discover your own path.
here you can breathe in the air
and spin in circles thru its coolness.
you laugh away your despair and cry in forgiveness
as the pixies show you the way home
and you realise you are not alone.
you marvel their wings and other pixie things,
and you now understand why your world was bland
and you can now see all of its hidden beauty
and you go for a walk, fly with the breeze,
content now with your new memories.
[TOP] apparition of my mind

hey, you - lover,
didn't i tell you it was over?
didn't i ask for you to get out of my way?
and say that you weren't to stay here?
no longer do i care for you,
nor do i pay attention to what you do -
nothing you said was true
and nothing ever lasted,
you were never to be trusted.
your sense of loving is so warped
and you never listened when i spoke
and you never looked when i shined
and when i fell, you never helped me
and you never gave anything to me
and you even despised me.
so beat me and abuse me, torture and bruise me -
you never felt any compassion.
i was only a distraction for you
and no longer do i wish to see you
and no longer do i cherish the thought of you
and no longer do i love you.
[TOP] wednesday, june 3rd, 1998

i do not hate you - you know that,
it just sort of really hurt when in my face you spat.
i still like you, yet i have to overcome,
release, repent, forgive, succumb
to the fact of my loss of you, and so,
it happened to be immense anger that shone thru.
i have had to pretend i care no more,
i have had to cleanse the impure,
i had loved thee, yet you did not let me
and it was the third of june,
the third of june - a wednesday -
the day -
that you so harshly ordered me away.
[TOP] you shouldn't have

it hurt, and you can't say it didn't
it still does, you can't say it doesn't
you don't know, because you're never here -
not any more, you left and you didn't come back
you burned my mind and hollowed out my heart
and now i don't know where to start
because i had lost everything when you left.
i have nothing and i don't know how to live any more
without feeling so lost and sore and benign.
and i think i'm running out of time
to get you back to me, where you want to be,
where i so desperately need you to be.
and you never said a word, and you never wrote
and you waited til my soul was dry and broke
and then you smiled, and then you spoke
but it won't suffice any more, you'd hit me to the floor
and you would not help me to my feet
and you saw arrogance instead of my grief,
but you never recognised when i loved you
because you never could say you loved me too.
you will never know, and you never knew...
[TOP] you have fifteen minutes left...

just fifteen minutes to wait for you
fourteen to criticise what you do
thirteen and you will laugh
twelve and you'll break my heart
eleven before it all goes away
ten before i can't stay
nine and it will all stop
eight and my body will drop
seven - that's my life gone
six more for the purification song
five and pens go down
four and in failure i'll drown
three till i cry
two till my soul dies
another minute before i perish in sin
now time's up - where had my intelligence been?
[TOP] under the breath

what can i say, the world really is a vampire. she'll suck you dry and leave you for the buzzards. you won't even be strong enuf, by the end, to even attempt suicide. you'll just have to live in an eternally painful and empty quantum superposition until you die of natural causes in one hundred and twenty years, by that time you would have suffered enuf to destroy the lives of at least another twenty fellow human beings... not that they would think of you as a comrade. people are a bit of a bitch too. not you, of course, dear... mumble, mumble, grumble, mumble
[TOP] why pretend to care?

i don't know. have you ever cared?
did you ever want more than me in your bed?
were you ever attached by other strings -
of love and respect or similar things?
why do you have to be so cruel?
do you think you are being kind?
do you not know that it really hurts?
do you think i don't mind?
i am stuck in this endless circle of pain
and you are the only one i can blame.
you stupid fuck - you have no idea, have you?
maybe i could have said "lover, wait"
and maybe make you take my bait,
eat the poison from the palm of my hand.
yet, i could never kill you despite your hate for me,
i would never in your death or pain find glee.
i still wish you would stop it;
stop haunting me in my dreams.
you always look so sad and forgiving
yet when i wake you are back to despising me.
please cease this constant torture
for i cannot listen to you when i sleep
and i yell at you so you cannot speak.
i am at my worst when confronted by you
because i know you'll hurt me again
it's all you seem to know how to do - you act as if
you've no clue of the fucking pain you put me thru
yet none of this makes me hate you like i so want to.
[TOP] stuck with you - not like i want to...

out of my head - bitch!
get the fuck out of there!
you've tortured me long enough.
you crawled in, now find your way out.
and no matter how much i shout -
how many voices in me try to persuade,
you'll never leave - will you jade?
you should have left long ago,
i should not have fallen in love with you
you're too much too handle - i should've known.
even though i never see you
you're always in my head.
i can always smell you
even though you are dead.
why can't i forget you?!
what stops me from reaching my bliss?
had i been a monster to you?
is karma responsible for this?
WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE?
PLEASE, GO AWAY!
i can't handle it much longer -
i'll die if you stay...
...why couldn't you listen to me?!
you'll listen now, won't you?
you'll understand my fear?
i know you know i don't hate you
but you're ALWAYS FUCKING HERE!!
you're driving me insane!!
after all the pain you caused me
it's hard to imagine i still yearn for you,
yet, i think i still love the person you are -
how near or how far.
you thought you HAD left me,
but your SOUL remained,
and the love you once had for me
i acknowledge was very well feigned.
you're an apparition of my mind
and i never meant to love you -
i knew you'd only end up in my dreams
yet it was so damn easy!
now it hurts so much i'm bursting my seams.
why?
why, why, WHY!?!?!
you don't know it, you can't see -
DAMN IT!!! YOU'RE FUCKING KILLING ME!
[TOP] never to be

did you not almost love me?
way back when we spoke?
can't you see all this anger is just hurt,
and my fear is constantly experiencing rebirth?
you should have been an apparition of my mind
because you never were kind
and you never cared for pain
- nobody's but yours.
you never could heal my sores,
you never loved me
though it's something i could not see.
you wanted to be free and i didn't let thee.
yet you were the one who stuck in the knife
- i never asked you to be my wife,
i had never asked anything of you,
well, maybe only for you to be true.
maybe we could have been
if only your love for me you'd seen,
but because you cannot love me
i know we are never to be -
so won't you release my soul?
let it go - free to roam?
help me - lead me to a new home,
lead me to where i can be
wherever i am meant to be
even though we are never to be.
you know, you almost did love me...
[TOP] puppet theatre

i am not your puppet
you cannot grope inside me
and all you make of me is not all i am to be
because you are not in control - you have no idea
you could never see what it was i needed
you are simply too conceited.
you're a bitch and you're a liar
i never did like you - never did love you
but i don't think i hate you
that would just be playing your game
i am not a cheat - i will not use your rules.
and all you left still hurts
and all you took leaves me hollow
and all you had said was untrue
and i don't know i will ever again trust you
and you left me to wilt away
and you did it every damn fucking day
and you still do because i'm stuck with you -
not like i want to
every night i am tortured with visions of you
and every day i reminisce over all you said
and every minute thoughts of you race thru my head
and every dream i pretend i had never bled
and every sighting of you takes away my dread
and every muscle of mine aches to be in your bed
you twist my mind about and you throw my love out
i can't even cry, can't even scream, can't even shout.
you know, i guess i didn't really see it before,
but it does seem like i'm your puppet -
the butler serving your every call.
[TOP] wha?

i want to be a great poet
but i'm only eighteen
and i swear too much
with no idea how to clutch the issues
to be way up there with browning
and poe and yeats
and i'll fail the hsc
and i'll ruin my life
and this particular poem will see
only my friends and me
because it's too shallow
and there's no huge vocab list
and i'm writing it because i'm pissed
-ooo! that rhymed!
[TOP] untie

you are the one that i love
even tho it's you i hate,
i think i should learn not to hesitate.
and you said i was a phoney
and you labelled me a copy cat
i know what you think of me, honey -
i'm so shallow i'm your door mat.
but you've only ever skimmed the surface
so you have no idea how i feel
because what you think is not real
(untie me)
...but that's my problem - right?
i have always been to blame
but you won't always be able to blame the insane
just because you think it's a game.
and i am not funny? - no, just half amusing
and only good for using
and it's not my choice when choosing
so i am forever losing you
(untie me)
and i lost all strength and so lost the fight
you were too damn loud i lost my sight,
and i know you cannot comfort me tonight
cause i'm too damn tired to attempt to write.
(untie me)
...then my heart stopped and i died with fright.
[TOP] dearest

i want to do what i once could do:
i want to be with you.
i want to make sweet love to you.
and i won't keep you secluded.
and i won't complain how much it murdered.
and i won't keep you tied,
i will love you until you need me
i will touch you until you feel me
i will want you until you kill me.
you must realise how much i love you,
and i hope you know i am perfect for you too.
[TOP] a poem about harius and a two day non-existent adventure of torture.....
(back to diary of a bored pessimist)

i should be studying for an english exam -
"i shall rendezvous with you
upon the conclusion of my endeavour
to the institution of my erudition
which will infinitise my cognition"
well, pardon me for not being a fucking thesaurus,
but what is the great difficulty
in writing that phrase as:
"i shall meet you after school"?!
and i write this poem,
what, i ask, are my techniques?
and what, i ask, be my choice of words?
and what, i ask, is their effect?
and what may be the underlying themes?
and what is the tone?
and who are my audience?
and is there a change?
and can you pick the metaphors?
and can you see the rhyme?

what say you of the meaning
of this irregular stanza division?
what is the moral of this story?
where is the climax, the real beginning?
when will it end?
and who am i trying to defend?
but who is being attacked?
can you tell by this statement
where my psychological state is at?
can you see where i change the register of this piece?
can you spot the colloquialism?
and the made-up words?
and somewhere in these thoughts
are hidden seventy birds -
how many can you find?
and is this not absolutely sublime?
and will you ever find the time
to analyse my every phrase?
to discover a meaning for each letter on this page?
and if i put in a bible reference, will you recognise it?
"is there, in human form, that bears a heart,
a wretched, a villain, lost to love and truth"
will you notice if i would
perceive to place pieces of alliteration and allusion?
and what of the world today?
you'll stay to it a slave,
as you are now - wondering how,
how this poem effectively relates to the reader,
why some of the language may not be appropriate.
this poem you'll learn to hate,
because it will be a bloody awful one
- i will be repetitive
and i will drone on
and it will be longer than it needs to be.
after reading this rubbish
you will wish you had studied browning's
"andrea del sarto"
because i will leave you no hope,
no real things to clasp to
when you try to answer the hsc question.
you'll be surprised
at why this poem is even on the hsc list,
what with no capitals
and giving away all the techniques
(alliteration, metaphors, irregular capitalisation,
verbosity, first person, rhetoricism, colloquialism and
even jargon, cliches, and the list goes on...)
and i leave nothing to the imagination,
well, except that lark about the birds,
(they're not really there...)
my only audience is you,
the readers, yet i speak directly to you,
as if you were here
(get your finger out of your nose!)
and i wonder what other poems of mine
will you be studying along with this one?
i suggest (not to be modest)
"what it means", "she*" and their amendments -
uc, these two poems are not...
well, you figure it out ...for once...
and can you pick the moments of plagiarism?
and where i've used tetrameters?
and other regular patterns?
do you know what onomatopoeia is?
no? then i slap you in the forehead!
you'll ponder in your sleep where all the meaning is
you know there must be some
because your teacher told you so
but is there really any, you ask? ...no.
and i bet you needed a dictionary for the first stanza

speaking of stanzas....

hmmm,
do you know my motivation for doing just that?
i wonder if there will even be
a need for education by the time i die
and become famous for my poetry...
not that i think i will, but you just never know.
you can't be too sure.
a gdybym pisała w innym języku,
zrozumialibyście?
and who could even bother?
you'll find you'll need to learn a bit about my past.
you'll find me dull, boring,
and you'll see i have no life.
and the society i live in is not much fun either,
there's not much on tv,
ricki lake, boxing + mcguyver.
there's not much for me to tell you about myself,
unless i tell you about hell...
fire, snakes - oh, and lots of brimstone.
and this is my story of nothing.
and this is my story of everything.
and in the box that pandora holds
is the thing i could never myself hold
and to whom had my soul been sold?
no, not the devil, you fools, tsk, tsk....
a nice little greek fellow named harius.
and don't you dare think for a moment
that i've run out of things to say.
...i'll come up with something
...sooner or later

here's an idea - another stanza.
and just for your reference,
this is the 123rd line in this poem.
if you don't believe me, you may check for yourself.
enuf side-tracking,
have you yet discovered all that i asked of you?
have you seen the clues i gave to you?
did you notice my drifting
as you were tearing out your hair?
did you bother to take notes
while you were trying to sleep up there?
have you checked all the words,
and made sure you understand?
do you still have that dictionary in your hand?
would you have read this bland poem
if you were at ho-em?

would you honestly spend all this time
on this stupid poem if it wasn't mine?
would you even care if there was sarcasm there?
and could you see all that irony?
would you comment, in your essays,
of the egoism and pure silliness?
i'll allow you to use the word "crap"
and you can say i didn't have
anything in mind when writing this.
it'll give you a break,
let you indulge in some bliss
as you compose your response
"...it's worth less than piss..."
i don't really care - there's no imagery there,
and nothing to show i pondered over this so.
you'll still have to suffer,
but there'll be no excuse
not to write as many lines as i have here,
only full of abuse.
a few tips, to help you along;
don't use big words - they'll mark you wrong.
don't try to impress, you can't with this crap,
it's as exciting as a dog licking your lap...
...actually...
but away from that visual that you just acquired -
you filthy animal....
you don't want to know, even if it's how i have fun.
and what have you learnt?
and what do you know?
where will this take you?
and where would you go?
exactly when, i hear you ask,
will this poem become of use
as you complete every day tasks?
i have the answer - to that, at least,
you won't! ha ha!!
aren't i a beast?
i have more in common with a lump of green putty
than to any of the famous and great others
like yeats, poe, asimov and strutty.
and just to clue you in,
you so don't look like fools
when you go to your teachers
and librarians and scholars and smarts,
strutty doesn't exist.
(and neither does santa clause)

if you really want to know what brought me
to this great idioticy, it was education and society.
but then, what else is new,
why do you think the past had so many loons?
our lives suck, our futures are opaque,
and all i know how to do is bake poppy-seed cake
and all the other crappy things i make.
but what i do best is to fake.
fake what? why, a good poem, of-course!
did you notice this really isn't a master-piece?
did you not know i am a famous poet?
of course, by the time you read this i will be dead,
so you will not have the opportunity to call me up
and say something to the effect of:
"by golly, you're that chick with the awesome poem,
you know, i've been meaning to thank you for that.
we all had a blast with it in class
and the exams were a breeze!
how about we get together some time and you can
bore me to death with the sequel "ode to the things
that make my computer screen flicker when i video
record it during a home-video session" !"
yeah, sorry about that.
not much i can do, being dead and all.
maybe if there really is an after-life
i'll give you a sign that i'm still around,
you know,
like when you look in the mirror one fine morning,
you'll see my face instead of your own,
and you'll freak out,
because you won't know it's actually me,
and you'll think it had something to do
with the layer of beauty mud
that was meant to make you look better...
...or i could turn your tv on and off
while you try to copulate with your loved one,
it would frustrate the hell out of you,
tying to be intimate with all those infomercials....
so annoying, it would seem as if i were really there!
sounds like a plan!!
you know, i once fell in love with this girl,
wretchedly unlucky little thing.
yeah, that's all i have to say about her...
...except her poetry is worse than mine,
so you'd be glad she's not famous.
i do related english.
it is one of the hardest english levels one can study.
of course, it's harder for me because i'm so crap at it.
i simply cannot perform to that standard.
did you know shakespeare couldn't spell?
he was also terrible at grammar.
he's awfully lucky he could write good stuff.
of course, this is not very good,
yet i'm being dissected and explored.
ohh, higher, higher - a little to the left ;-))
are you familiar with computers?
i don't really care - please don't tell me
please don't bore me with your pathetic lives.
hmmm, it's getting awfully late,
but do you think that will stop me? of-course not!
what year is it, over when you are?
how much has it changed from now?

this pillow is comfortable.
i know someone has forced you to read this
because you're still reading it.
most people with any sort of sense
would have stopped by now,
so i hope you are comfortable too.
if not, fetch yourself a blankey,
make yourself a coffee - extra strong,
get someone to massage your back
as i can already feel your muscles knotting up...
the only thing that won't help you -
in the event of an exam -
is the extremely long title of this poem.
you'll probably refer to it as little as you possibly can,
or otherwise shorten it to "sunshine + rainbows"...
...or is that too redundant? maybe you can call it "it".
have you ever cross-dressed
and walked into a really old, conservative place?
isn't it fun when they grab you by your imitation balls
and kick you out without so much as a grin
for your effort and individuality? it's divine.
i can imagine it would be more exciting for a male,
not that i would like to pursue that line of thought.
(tho, if i were to, you'd have to come for the ride)
actually, to tell you the truth,
i've never done what i just described - yet.
well, maybe i had by the time you read this,
but you suckers don't really care.
and i know you don't because despite your eyes
physically following my words, your mind
is off on it's own little faeryful world
and not taking in any of this. i can prove it...
IS A HOMOSEXUAL.
see? i bet you read that bit, and said to yourselves;
"is a homosexual... yeah... huh? gay? who?
let me read back a bit - i should pay more attention".
the truth is, i never mentioned any names
(for those who claim they were paying attention,
but really weren't and need an explanation)
or persons that remotely fit the capitalised description
but i bet it got you into gear again...
see, you're going to pay attention now
(for a little while longer - at least)
in case i actually do mention something
that may be slightly interesting.
which only proves my point more,
that you're not actually reading this properly
because i have not said one interesting thing
in the whole duration of this poem,
and you expect me to start now!??
oh look, a pimple in an odd place....


from robert burns' "the cotter's saturday night" (~lines 94-95). not a bible reference.

[TOP] monika

it's hard because we could not reconcile
you could not find it in you to forgive me
what hurt most is that you can't say goodbye
you left, hitting me with harsh words
you displayed your dissatisfaction with anger,
and you took it all out on me.
why can you not even hear me now?
you are listening, but you don't respond.
you had always told me what to do,
why can't you tell me how i can keep you?
will you walk away again? leave me?
will you not attempt to fathom my love for you?
abuse me if you must - if it keeps you happy,
all i really need is you. all i want is you.
but i can see you dislike me an awful much,
you cannot even look at me as i speak to you now.
you've always glanced at your watch, just like now -
do you even notice how blunt you are?
being honest has its good and bad points, my dear,
yet you only see the very worst in me.
why don't you look at me!?
why don't you ever answer my letters?
i have written so many.
why aren't you ever at home when i call you?
i do not recognise what is in me to spur such hatred.
what do i do to you that waters your flowers of scorn?
you pull a sour face? ...and you release my hand -
the hand you vowed to yourself never again to touch.
i ask, why is your love the only thing i cannot clutch?
i thought i was good to you. i tried to protect you,
tried to save your fallen tears, but alas, you had drew
-no, drawn- out the picture. with so many colours,
it made everything clear.
you explained to me slowly and carefully,
as to a brainless child, that i am incapable of being
loved. by you. ever.
never, you said. but now you add "again".
does that not say something?
does it not show the possibilities?
you'd taken me in twice -
shouldn't it be "third time lucky"?
don't shake your head, you've done it before - it hurts.
i cannot stand to see you with others, talking,
laughing, enjoying.
because you never talk to me. they betrayed you too.
even more than i!!!
why can you take them in, yet leave me outside?
i had treated you with greater respect than the others.
i had loved you more than all your lovers combined.
i still love you. i still yearn for...
wait, you've not let me finish, just listen, understand,
you once said you love me.
you said you loved me. don't leave me now.
[TOP] far  leyden

quit hiding in your dungeon,
stop haunting my dreams,
cease this constant torture,
sew up my split seams,
remove your little spells,
call away your dogs,
expel the devil from my mind
and give the peace for which i long.
for yours is the tale scorched -
burnt is your heart;
your ashes fall to the earth as i watch you blow apart.
kindred are the spirits that now keep you away,
as is good the karma with which i used to slay.
your head on a silver platter, a symbol of my love,
the result of my immense power and betrayal of my trust;
never were you as great as you always liked to believe,
you will never again enter my mind -
you'll die and away from me cleave.
[TOP] no soup for you!!

there has to be more than this
somewhere, there has to be bliss.
maybe it rests in your kiss
somewhere where i won't find
somewhere in you confined.
maybe i'm just blind?
or did i hurt you too much,
did i scare you away?
i'm not allowed out to play.
i can't meet with you tonite
because, however, despite.
why can't i ever be in the right?
why have you lost your sight?
i could not talk - my mouth was gagged
filled to the brim with lust and love.
not around, nor below, but above
way up there on a pedestal high
somewhere where i couldn't fly.
why did you have to hide?
it was your love i wanted to ride
fed with my love on the side.
i didn't know i had you tied
but i didn't know why you lied.
i didn't understand the way you could think
but i wilfully drank your poisoned drink.
i fell under your spell and followed your smell
over to the dark cave in which you dwell.
and i discovered i too could be cruel
because i found i was so much like you.
yet our days were too few
and you wouldn't let me explain
and you didn't want to heal the pain
and you have made me insane
because you changed all the rules in your game,
and now no one knows why it's not the same.
[TOP]