1997


 

[TOP] dreamer

he awakens the night
with the soft tune of war.
he feels the black rainbow
beneath his feet.
he is no god,
only a dreamer.
decomposing the impossibilities
of the world that betrayed him.
never seeing the light of darkness
has made him forever cold.
[TOP] twiddle, twiddle

an urgency to do nothing
plagues me this moment.
only wanting to twiddle my pen
in my hand, between my fingers.
i thrust my pen behind my ear
and think of the time i've wasted.
[TOP] the mind

bewildered, awed, inspired.
an art of it's own.
electrical impulses
plague the fragile structure.
a factory of knowledge.
a factory of the senses.
the processor of life,
the understanding of death.
the filing cabinet of truth,
the maker of fiction.
not indescribable,
but unknowable.
[TOP] evil days

linger do the days
that gloat their infinity.
forever pleased
with their continuity.
always in remembrance
of their superiority.

hide from them we can't
as they are imminent.
scar us they do
with the pain they shunt.
heal us they may
for we are impatient.

they will never leave us
as long as we subsist.
but it's not easy to survive
when life is like stumbling
through a thick mist.
[TOP] a finding

i am not lost,
for i am here.
i am not alone,
you are with me.
there is a constant buzz
all around us:
we stand here
unable to move.
we do not know
what to search for,
we have no idea
what it is that brought us here.
maybe we share a mind,
maybe we share a body,
maybe we share a love,
maybe we share a soul,
maybe we share a time,
maybe we share a place,
while all the others
share the universe.
[TOP] compassionate evil

can you hear the darkness
that is stalking me?
can you see the fear
it possesses?
can you taste the evil
that i must conquer?
can you feel the love
that it holds for you?
[TOP] retrospect

listen to my actions,
i will make them loud for you.
observe my ambiguous words,
simple they will be.
feel my darkness,
as the light is born within me.
taste my anguish,
it is sweet and caressing.
my hide away- six feet deep,
is filled with remains of memories.
such are my thoughts,
filled with the pain of my past.
blurred are the faces,
that i can clearly see.
silent are the voices,
that scream in my ears.
i stroke the blunt evil,
as i hope for it to bring the night.
[TOP] mysteries

smelling, tasting...
or savouring and consuming?
testing and choosing,
a learned man.

looking, hearing...
or seeing and listening?
evidence and proof,
a fair man.

touching, sharing...
or feeling and caring?
wanting and loving,
a loving man.

life, death...
or living and dying?
beginning and end,
any man.

thinking, knowing...
or understanding and exploring?
theories and mysteries,
every man.
[TOP] phobia

thy imagination,
tho' playful and happy,
ran me wild.
thy hallucinations,
however insane or disjointed,
inspired my living days.
i found myself in thee,
after i had searched a lifetime
through thy wilderness.
too innocent was i,
to experience the love
that thou intended to be mine.

push away, did i,
when thy boundaries
enclosed my will and freedom.
cruel were the ways
which thou fondled my memories,
losing them here and there.
humiliating were thy
mockeries and jokes
of my treasures.

i shall strike thee down!
with my sword i will slay!
and with my blood i will poison!
never shall you live in me
like you have forever before,
for this is my world now.
[TOP] rapist

run from me,
for i am not good for you.
run,
i will not forgive you,
but you must disappear.
wait! come back.
i still love you.
i do not want you to run.
why have you gone so far?
why will you not return to me?
has the lust already died?
do you no longer yearn for me?
am i not special any more?
you hate me, i know.
i contaminated you,
i beat and hurt you.
i don't deserve you.
yet you follow my ways,
and you hold my hand.
you should be afraid of me,
though i see no evidence of that.
you draw me nearer, suck me in.
you play and scramble my mind.
until it is dead.
well, then.
it is dead.
it is dead.
[TOP] for nothing, and for everything.

thankyou:
for your negligence
and frightful abuse,
i am now the strong one.
for your mockery and ridicule
of my feeling heart,
i cope with all situations.
for everything you took from me
and never gave back,
i need only few possessions.
for locking me in here
with nothing for amusement,
i have a writer's imagination.
for the people you had met
and i could not,
i have developed a love for them.
for all the food and water
that had escaped my mouth,
i waste not a crumb.
for the great tyrannies and propaganda
that you had imposed on me,
i am now immune to falsifications.
but what use is this experience
to me in your world,
if i am nothing but your laboratory rat?
[TOP] bliss

i feel dissected,
opened at the chest.
my heart still beats,
in the rhythm of life.
i find a needle,
thread and courage.
sewing the skin slowly,
as not to make mistakes.
healing is painful,
long and consuming.
you see, but dislike
so my wound is torn open.
i rest in your hands,
bloody from the deed.
my heart is stilled,
your want is achieved.
[TOP] i, the demon

little fairy,
come inside
in my mind.
hee hee!
please dance,
and run and prance.
i see you,
you're flying
up there without me.
why are you leaving?
gone. you're gone.
my only hope,
my only sane thought.
i wanted to touch you,
i wanted you to kiss me.
i looked at your body
and your little wings.
i laughed at your jokes
and played your games.
didn't you like me?
was i too obsessive?
too violent when i hit you?
when i abused you?
when i took you for granted?
i thought you liked being bound,
tied and tortured.
i made the little cage for you
with a dainty little lock.
i would have let you go,
some day.
some day if i found myself.
somewhere on a distant shelf.
nowhere in particular.
[TOP] the life-long war

i was going to write you a letter
but i feared that what i was to say
would only offend you more.
it seems no matter what i do
and no matter what i try to say
i tend to fuck everyone dry.
it's a shame really,
because i wanted this to work
but you gave me not the power.
i fear you now, with your army
and henchmen on your side.
i must seem a nuisance under your feet,
i feel you wanting to be rid of me
but i persist, and you hate the force i use,
you hate what i use it for.
the war that i started for you
is getting out of my hands, into yours
i can do nothing but follow your commands.
i am weak, and i am giving up
you were too skilled with the bow and arrow
that you shot through my heart.
[TOP] the duo

i am your darkness - an alley way.
moist, smelly,
rat infested.
i am vermin - only what you see.
plenty of hurt,
blood stained shirts.

i am the criminal - steal all you have.
strip your car,
no compassion.
i am lifeless - hidden in shadows.
under water,
behind fences.

i tell you nothing - a second identity.
and lie feverishly.
lock your secrets.
i became sick - mentally abusive.
violently calm,
safely unstable.
i forgive not the innocent - i am guilty.
charged for living
charged for loving
charged for dying.

i am desperate - look in the mirror.
grope inside you,
find your hate,
use it to fool you.
i am you, you damn fool.
i'm just you.

fuck you're messed up.
[TOP] beholding

never the truth,
shall be told.
never acceptance,
will you behold.
you are a liar,
and i am a pig.
to heaven you will go,
and to hell i will dig.
the face of god,
you shall see.
torture from the devil,
is what is for me.
you will live,
and i will die.
you will know,
i will wonder why.
for you there is love,
for me there is hate.
you hook the rod,
and i take the bait.
[TOP] immorality

i am told that i am wrong
to bottle my feelings,
but when i speak
my feelings hurt all those i love.
my actions speak louder
than my words,
and i cannot help but feel
quite worthless and heartless.
everyone chooses to hate
my ways and thoughts,
but when i ask them why
they only tell me i am wrong.
i have signed an evil creed
with the good of my soul,
that says i am to stay
despite how much i want to go.
i did this for the ones who saw my good
and those who understood me,
but now there is no one any more
and i have the contract still in my hand.
tear it i would,
but i have no strength.
burn it i could,
but no one lends me a match.
they tell me to wake up
and realise what i'm doing,
what? what is it that i'm doing?
what hurts you that you see in me?
yet no one will say
who my devil is,
and no one cares to show me
the righteous way.
[TOP] i love thee

the love i feel for thee,
is the love i feel for everyone.
the thing i want from thee, or anyone,
is only understanding,
and acceptance of my fearful ways.
i hope not to scare thee, or anyone else,
as my thoughts sometimes do.
[TOP] [scoff] she knows nothing

i have brought with me many arguments
to defend my frightful ways
but i always find better and stronger
voices that work best against me.
i cannot resolve these wars around me
even though i provoked them all
for they belittle me and shoot
bullets through my chest and mind.
i am to blame, or so i am told
and it is my work and deeds they fight over
but what is my work? what are my deeds?
why will no one talk to me?
it seems the only way i am entitled to feel pain
is if someone close to me dies
or if my beloved parents were to divorce
till then, i am just an insignificant tyrant.
[TOP] imperfect

writing away
like an insane fool
suffering each day
it's what i do
wanting to sleep
forever unawake
digging holes deep
everything is at stake
may i please kill
this evil in me
i must not fill
her dreaded creed
all in black
dressed by her
she plans my track
my connoisseur
her i do love
and him i hate
she fits like a glove
my perfect mate
but she does not want this
my intensity she fears
not wanting my kiss
or whisper in my ears
at day i will see
and at night, hear
let it so be
if she cannot be near
[TOP] na wzajem

i own a grave. it is a shallow hole.
in my grave lies my wooden coffin.
my white suit compliments the lining.
the coldness of my dead heart is not surprising.
empty was my mind, and i could not feel.
boring was my soul, which tore us apart.
you loved me, you fool.
i abused you. i hurt your wraith.
you forgave me, but i died.
it was your fault, but i still mourn for you.
[TOP] best friends

i beg you to talk
yet you turn away
i beg you again
you push me hard
i beg once more
you spit in my face.
i sit, offended and closed up
you come along and ask:
why haven't you asked for us to talk?
i hang my head and say:
i'm sorry, i didn't think of that.
you call me heartless
and say i don't give a shit.
i'm sorry, it was obviously
all my fault, just like you said.
[TOP] black silk

black silk
long silk
long thoughts
straight thoughts
straight hair
black hair
black silk
soft silk
soft words
her words
her laugh
black laugh
black silk
fragile silk
fragile body
curved body
curved wants
black wants
black silk
loutish silk
loutish feelings
wrong feelings
wrong writings
black writings
black silk
natural silk
natural life
sick life
sick mind
black mind
black silk
[TOP] awareness

i think i am innocent
yet i am accused of atrocities.
i deny everything
yet you push these ideas into me.
i begin to believe you
i think i am to blame.
i did not pull the trigger,
yet you condemn me to death.
[TOP] lover

be with me
sweetness itself,
feed me your soul,
which will lead to your death.
torment my mind,
with lustful intentions,
you will lead me astray,
but will be my sanction.
tell me what to do
take control of my life,
tease me, make me patient,
won't you be my wife?
[TOP] the one for what?

my name is false,
my life is a lie,
my body is not mine,
and my mind has died.
i am only what i have, and what have i?
some clothes, some books,
no money, no pride.

so am i poor? am i worthless?
i ask you: does it matter
when i am here for you only?
i am hidden under
the cloak of negligence
i do not allow myself
to be found or known.

not to anyone do i cry or plead.
not anyone do i look up to.
but anyone can be everyone
and everyone can be someone
that someone might be you.

i will not veil myself from you.
you are not merely someone,
you are the one.
[TOP] i want you

all i want to do is sleep, but sleep does not come to me. i am still thinking of you, but i do not want you. i cannot seem to let you go. i still want to hold you, to caress you, to be with you, but i do not want you. will you forgive me if i try again? i have already forgiven myself. touch me, won't you? feel my skin against yours - can you not feel the heat? you are cold and pale from fright, but i do not want you. why do you fear me? i am only an old stranger young enough to be you, but twice your age. you do not understand what i want, but i do not want you. i do not want your love. accept me, will you not? accept what i do to you - tell no one. you are mine, but i do not want you.
[TOP] only me

shame. such a shame.
a love gone wasted,
not used, but not unused.
not exploited, or even abused.
a love so deep
it is hidden there.
it cannot break free
its mistress is scared.
she will not set it loose,
she will not succumb.
she will live a lie,
grow cold and numb.
you cannot love her now,
you are too late.
there is no hope,
don't hold that breath.
if, by some miracle,
she lets you see,
treasure the moments,
and laugh with glee.
[TOP] doubt

do you know who i am?
of course you do,
i am the one who is forever
inexplicably calling you,
who bores you with meek conversation,
who plagues you with 'corny' jokes,
who does against your will and advice,
who embarrasses and frightens you.
we are both intelligent,
but you are the more clever,
the more logical and wise.
you solve my problems
while i make yours.
you tolerate me and i am unbearable.
why? am i your friend?
am i pitiful? am i an experiment?
do you even care, like you pretend to?
no. you are genuine.
you are great compared to the likes of me.
i shall torture you no more.
goodbye.
[TOP] maybe ...?

bored.
bored with this world
and of myself.
maybe an afterlife
is worth a visit,
eternal and free, painful and pleasant.
how do i raise
my status now?
build a great bridge?
knock one down?
what is the purpose
of this day and age?
civilisation and education
will only help me to my grave.
but in this world,
boring as it be,
there must be someone
exclusively for me.
is it you?
or the girl next door?
maybe the stranger
that i once saw...
[TOP] all hope lost

what is that i see?
is it me? such a whimpery thing?
a life, no longer held by strings?
why is it laughing? - at me?
frail as i am already?
i shall not at all cope with this.

i curled up, became a dead bee.
i have wrenched out all the bits
that were too worthy of me.
i took away all that i might be.
i destroyed everything you gave to me.
i have died - can you not see?
[TOP]